you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
You may now shotgun with the bride
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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