If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
