I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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