my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Randomize
