Your face is a jimmy john
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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