Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
