Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
