The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
