I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Randomize
