I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
