I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
