theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
He had one of those small greek statue penises
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
