Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
