I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
