I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
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