I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
