I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
My vagina just recognized that song.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
