i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
