'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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