My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
