I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
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