he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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