Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
