I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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