Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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