I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
