Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I could fuck to npr.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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