we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
