im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
