I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
