I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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