A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
