My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
