That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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