Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
