He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
The adults are the big ones right?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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