he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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