Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
