So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
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