the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
