Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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