Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
