so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
