yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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