We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
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