if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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