his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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