Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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