Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
