my mouth tastes like poor choices
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
