Don't you send me to vm
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
