ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
