Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
