you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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