Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
